Wednesday, 25 March 2009

• Currently Black Holes and Revelations By Muse Supermassive Black Hole see related

  am i really content?

  so i've succumb to the twilight craziness...i watched the movie with some friends saturday night and started reading the first book sunday...i haven't been able to set the books down and make trips to walmart just to buy the next book.  i'm now three quarters of the way through the third book and all i can think about when i'm not at home reading is how long i have to wait until i'm home so that i can read...i did have a moment where i was fed up with the characters though.  last night i just couldn't take bella's all-to-eager-attitude to become a vampire, edward's overprotectiveness, and jacob being an ass...but i'm back on track and look forward to reading tonight.  honestly, they are good books.  although, i've always been drawn towards the vampire stories.  this series is probably the best written one i've come across...it's got a bit of a love story to it too, so that might be helping my love of the series.  i'd suggest the series to anyone who likes the sci-fi/love stories.  it's an odd combination, but it works.

  i am emotionless...and need to change this in order to improve my current life situation.  i think i might have a problem.  i was hanging out with some friends this weekend, having a great time, actually laughing, and i was asked if i was okay.  if i was feeling okay.  if i felt like i was about to cry because i looked like i was going to.  if some of my closest friends think this, even though i feel like i'm having a good time, something must be wrong.  i've either lost my ability to show that i'm having a great time, or lost the ability to put on the mask that i'm having a good time.  honestly, i felt like i was having a good time...so why wasn't it coming across to them? 

  is it really because i'm that content with not being happy.  i've been told that people want to make me happy.  my response is always, "that's great, but you don't have to over do it.  i don't need to be happy.  i'm content with not being happy."...am i really that pathetic?  i don't think pathetic is the word...do i really not care about my happiness?  what has made me take this path in life?  i love to laugh.  i love random moments of happiness.  i love having fun...but i don't always need it...is that weird?  do i have some sort of defect in my personality?  have i been a wallflower for so long that i've given up on myself?  i'd rather see others happy than be happy myself.  i'd rather stand back and watch people be happy than experience the feeling for myself?  have things really become that bad?

  ...i hope not.

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